Saturday, November 18, 2006

"A Horse Named Paul Revere," a children's book by The Beastie Boys

Our friendly neighborhood BARGAIN BOOK WAREHOUSE has a gigantic section devoted solely to shitty children's books written by shitty celebrities. I thought it would be funny to pick one out and make fun of it, but when I pulled down Jada Pinckett Smith's Girls Hold up the World, I felt horrible, like I was making fun of the retarded kids at the school assembly.

Then I found a celebrity totally undeserving of pity: Billy Joel. By virtue of his continued existence, and a literal reading of his 1977 hit "Only the Good Die Young," hasn't Mr. Joel essentially admitted what we all know to be true: that he is not good; that he is bad; that, in fact, he sucks a whole bowl full of dicks? Billy Joel's third wife is 24 years old. He's 57. His own daughter via Christie Brinkley is 21. That's why I was sure when I sat down with a copy of his crap children's book Goodnight My Angel, I would be able to totally make fun of this soft-rock pansy asshole with impunity. The illustrations are so saccharine that Thomas Kinkade "The Painter of Light" himself wouldn't even have the plums to draw anything this cheesy, and the text of the "book" is nothing but the lyrics to that incredibly lame song. So lame in fact, that I'm not going to bore you with it.

I found myself wishing that these book publishers would choose a song that wouldn't suck as a children's book. Then it hit me. "A Horse Named Paul Revere," a children's book by The Beastie Boys:

I have also set up a flickr site with the full rap/text. This blog is clearly a cry for help.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Dutch's Ultimate Anthology of Televised Toddler Entertainment

You may want to bookmark this page. Given the nature of YouTube, I'll be updating it regularly.

Last updated: 8/3/2007

Juniper's Most Requested Videos:

Where the Wild Things Are: fully animated!
In the Night Kitchen

R.E.M. and the Monsters: Furry Happy Monsters
Alice Cooper on the Muppet Show in 1978!
Babies getting all Busby Berkeley in overpriced French water
Mahna Mahna
Original 1969 Mahna Mahna
Doo Wop Doo Wop Hop!
Beaker sings Feelings

Chaplin and the Kid
Charlie Chaplin's Dance of the Dinner Rolls

Asian Pottytraining Extravaganza:

The original Shimajiro pottytraining with subtitles and live action pooping kid
Shimajiro 2: At the mall, Shimajiro encounters a squatter toilet

Four episodes of Pantzu Pankuro
Four more episodes of Pantzu Pankuro
#1 or #2?
Squatter Toilet 1
Squatter Toilet 2
I think this one's about diarrhea
Pankuro loves his toilet
Toilet hide-n-seek
Pankuro craps his pants
Just try to keep the constipation song out of your head

Weird American potty training video
Sesame Street: I Really Need to Urinate

Music videos for toddlers:

Bat for Lashes: What's a girl to do [Juniper squeals every time the BMX animals come out]
Matt and Kim: Yea Yeah [see also Matt and Kim: Yea Yeah, demonbaby remix video]
White Stripes: Fell in Love with a Girl
White Stripes: My Doorbell
Feist: 1,2,3,4

Breakdancing on Mr. Rogers
New York City Breakers - Graffiti Rock
RUN DMC on Reading Rainbow
Lavar Burton dances and raps in 1992

Yo Gabba Gabba - Party In My Tummy

The Sweet Juniper Virtual Zoo:

The Sweet Juniper Virtual Barnyard Visit

PBS/Children's Television Workshop stuff

3-2-1- Contact Theme Song
70s signs from the Electric Company

Letters, Series 1: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Letters, Series 2: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Counting segments:

Counting Octopus Band (in color)
Count it higher
Counting Spies

Muppet Show Celebrity Performances:

Kenny Rogers & The Muppets - The Gambler
Buddy Rich versus Animal on the drums!

Johnny Cash on the Muppet Show- Dirty Old Egg Suckin Dog
Johnny Cash and Big Bird: Don't Take Your Ones to Town

Cab Calloway: Hi-Dee-Ho Man
Paul Simon: Been Such A Long, Long Day
Beatles Cover: Hey Food
Grease Parody: One Way
Lynda Carter sings Flash, Bam
Chickens Play Piano
Gonzo the Great
You and I and George

It's not easy being green

Swedish Chef:
chocolate moose
cooking lobster

Great Vintage Sesame Street:

The following clips are intended only as a supplement to's excellent collection of Sesame Street Clips on YouTube.


I'm between
Paradise Island
The Pie Thing

Ernie and His Rubber Duckie

City Life vs. Country Life
Wide Open Spaces
Echo in Mexico
There's a Zoo in Me!
Kermit: Disco Frog
Fat Cat Sat Hat (with the "Mahna Mahna Guy" Bip)
Bip sings of air
Bip's Opposite

Bert does the pigeon
O is for Open
O is for Open 2
Construction Gang Builds a Q
What's an alphabet?
Alphabet Onslaught

What if I popped this balloon?
What if an anteater had long legs?
What do you do with a pet?
Waking up a plant
It's springtime!
Do you want to see a scary looking thing?
Tortoise and the Hare
Bedtime noises
Cat and Mouse Rhythms
The Silent E
Jump for J
The J Train
Shoemaker and the Ruler

Shields and Yarnell: Robot Breakfast
Clinkers Christmas Vacation

Yip Yip Aliens discover a clock
Fuzzy and Blue
Eleven Purple Pooches
Man on a Wall
In animation
I'm serving dinner for 9 tonight
5 people in my family
Question Song
G sounds
G is for Goat
Counting Fiddler- Snails
Twiddlebugs go to the zoo
Ernie: Somebody come and play
Somebody Come and Play (live action)
How crayons are made
There's a bird on me
It's a long hard climb
Cats have kittens
I believe in little things
Dressed Up
Monkeys and Music
Why do we need rain?
What water does
In the mood for food
Danger! (silents)
Go to the exit (silents)
Crowd Alphabet
Kermit: Three Little Pigs News Story
Kermit: Sleeping Beauty News Story
Disco Frog
Big Bird at Hooper's Store
Big Bird's debut
Fixing your hair
Getting Dressed
Everybody eats
Everybody Sleeps
African Kids
Everybody Makes Mistakes (Big Bird)
Swing up free
Early People in Your Neighborhood

Lily Tomlin as Edith Ann: PROUD

Turtles singing in the round
The Geefle and the Gonk
Ernie & Bert - Eating Cookies In Bed (Classic Sesame Street)
Ernie has a banana in his ear
Teeny Little Super Guy
Teeny Little Super Guy 2
Furry Blue Coat Wanted
Kermit's Cookbook
The Count and the Cookie Monster
Harvey Kneeslapper: Picture of You
The Great Cookie Thief
The Story of Dirty Gulch
No Cookies in the Library
Adding is Putting Together
Bread, Milk & Butter
Lulu's Back in Town
The Pied Piper
The Monster Carnival
Kermit's Imagination Game
Lola Looks for Home
Don Music Writes the Alphabet Song
The Two-Headed Monster Shops for Shoes
Up and Down
Singing Frogs
The Little Girl and the Cat
Next to
How to deal with a bully
Trippy-ass running kids
Telephone Rock
Oscar: I love trash
The size of it (see also Charles and Ray Eames' Power of Ten)
Monsterpiece Theater: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Electric Company:

It really blew my mind!
Tall, Taller, Tallest
Right On!

Obscure older videos that are more for my entertainment:

Maurice Sendak's Really Rosie- with Music by Carole King

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

More Really Rosie songs:

Alligators All Around
The Ballad of Chicken Soup
One Was Johnny

Weird Asian Videos

Kure Kure Takora (Gimme Gimme Octopus): Episode 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, and the famous murdered baby octopus episode.
Chinese baby obstacle course
Chinese laughing song

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Sacagawea Theory

When my wife claims we need something for our baby pricier than a sippy cup, I usually say something like, "Sacagawea gave birth to her baby a few weeks before Lewis and Clark embarked and she carried his ass on a cradleboard the entire way to the Pacific Ocean. Do we really need another _________." Usually the answer is "Yes," but my point has been made.

All babies really need are boobs.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

The Chiasma of Judgment

Despite my recent accolade as a mommyblogger and my honorary degree from vagina university, I am still a man. That means I am pretty dense about some heavy shit, like all the fucking insecurity and the "judgmentality" among interacting parents (particularly moms). Despite all the shit that went down a few weeks ago and all the veterans of the mommy wars banging their tin cups all over the internet, it didn't really dawn on me until my wife explained it recently: "parenting is a really fucking hard job," she says, "one that certainly makes me insecure. So we all slog through this job wondering if we're doing the right thing and always feeling terrified that we're not, and then when we encounter someone who has done some other thing, made some different decision, we take that insecure energy and turn it into judgmental hate." Now that I fully understand this subtext, I have heard playground interactions and seen blog conflict where all this runs like electric current through every passive (or not-so passive) aggressive comment. It makes sense. For many of us this is the first time in our lives that our every decision affects the future of someone other than ourselves, and that's an enormous, uncomfortable responsibility. I was reading MamaC-Ta's post from a few weeks ago about all the hate she was getting for dressing her kid the way she wants to, and I really started thinking about how all this insecurity and judgment boils down to a relatively simple chiasma:

(1) Parent A makes an intentional values-based decision to do something (i.e. formula feed, co-sleep, cry-it-out, let her baby watch television, leash or spank her kids, or feed them junk food).
(2) Parent B makes an intentional values-based choice not to do the same thing, often creating a false sense of both insecurity and superiority in Parent B, who feels that it takes so much more effort and sacrifice to make the value-based choice she has made for her child.
(3) Parent B resents (and judges) Parent A for making the "easy" choice.
(4) Parent A feels the blatant judgment from Parent B, often creating a sense of guilt or insecurity for making the choice she has made. Parent A now resents (and judges) Parent B.

In any interaction, multiple values-based conflicts may exist at once, creating a tangled web of judgment and insecurity. Nearly every values-based parenting choice exists on a continuum between two dichotomous poles. Any time a parent takes a strong position or makes a particularly "polar" values-based decision (i.e. "No TV! Only wooden toys!" or "TV teaches my babies to read! They learn so much more from their leapfrog toys than they do from wooden blocks!") the judgment just becomes intrinsic to the choice. You really can't win, unless you learn to just accept that judgment and insecurity are a part of this process, and ultimately if you have a strong sense of personal values you just make decisions according to those values and try not to ignite the insecurities in the other side. Easier said than done.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Sweet Juniper Blogroll

a bunch of b.s.
a girl and a boy
a little pregnant
a mommy story
a smeddling kiss
angel baby annabelle
back to me
bernal girl
bird nest
bite my cookie
blair necessities
blissfully bitchy
byrne unit
charlie and nina
cheeky's hideaway
childsplay x2
chocolate makes it better
city mama
crazy virgo
cynical dad
dad gone mad
daddy types
daydreams and musings
dear lucy
dolly mama
elevated umbrella
fluid pudding
girls gone child
heading east
her bad mother
home on the fringe
homesick home
house of pudding
how bourgeois
hygiene chronicles
it's a crazy world we live in
izzy mom
laid off dad
little bun's blog
magpie tendencies
mary tsao
meg fowler
melanie in oregon
miles, etc.
misfit hausfrau
morphing into mama
mother bumper
motherhood uncensored
mr. nice guy
nanny anya
neal pollack
nice but nubbly
nonlinear girl
nothing but bonfires
o pish posh
oh, the joys
pants on fire
paper napkin
post hip chick
prolly all the time
que sera sera
queen of spain
raising chooks
roc rebel granny
sarah and the goonsquad
step into my thimble
stitch marker
suburban bliss
suburban turmoil
sunday school rebel
sweet | salty
the bradsteins
the rainbow goddess daily
the sarcastic journalist
the weirdgirl
three minute player
two okapis
under the ponderosas
woulda coulda shoulda
your little squirrel
zygote daddy

Friday, June 09, 2006

This "blog" exists solely to cover meta-content for Sweet Juniper, that I don't want to trouble our readers with there (blogroll, surveys, etc.).