Saturday, November 18, 2006

"A Horse Named Paul Revere," a children's book by The Beastie Boys

Our friendly neighborhood BARGAIN BOOK WAREHOUSE has a gigantic section devoted solely to shitty children's books written by shitty celebrities. I thought it would be funny to pick one out and make fun of it, but when I pulled down Jada Pinckett Smith's Girls Hold up the World, I felt horrible, like I was making fun of the retarded kids at the school assembly.

Then I found a celebrity totally undeserving of pity: Billy Joel. By virtue of his continued existence, and a literal reading of his 1977 hit "Only the Good Die Young," hasn't Mr. Joel essentially admitted what we all know to be true: that he is not good; that he is bad; that, in fact, he sucks a whole bowl full of dicks? Billy Joel's third wife is 24 years old. He's 57. His own daughter via Christie Brinkley is 21. That's why I was sure when I sat down with a copy of his crap children's book Goodnight My Angel, I would be able to totally make fun of this soft-rock pansy asshole with impunity. The illustrations are so saccharine that Thomas Kinkade "The Painter of Light" himself wouldn't even have the plums to draw anything this cheesy, and the text of the "book" is nothing but the lyrics to that incredibly lame song. So lame in fact, that I'm not going to bore you with it.

I found myself wishing that these book publishers would choose a song that wouldn't suck as a children's book. Then it hit me. "A Horse Named Paul Revere," a children's book by The Beastie Boys:

I have also set up a flickr site with the full rap/text. This blog is clearly a cry for help.